I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just had sex on a roof
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
