textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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