wakey wakey hands off snakey
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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