is your mom at the bar?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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