I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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