As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
