Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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