Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
