i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
