i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
