i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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