i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
