I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
