Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
