When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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