Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
