You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
