My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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