Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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