Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
