im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
