life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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