I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
