i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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