he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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