The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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