when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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