made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.