How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
