So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
