Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
