I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
