I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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