Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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