cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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