did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
