So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
