If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
