i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
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Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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