I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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