It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
