Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
