...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
