Your face is a jimmy john
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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