remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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