Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
