btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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