Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
