Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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