Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
