I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
