The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
