I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
