So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
