woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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