how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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