my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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