i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
