We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
