If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
