i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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