I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
