I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
